Here we are at cross-roads a year after we first entered each other’s lives. Unlike the last time I saw you, my heart doesn’t ache and my emotions are not as distressed as before. I wrote you a letter before I saw you with the intention of mailing it or leaving it on your desk for you to read, which entailed all I felt and feared. But other forces in the universe converged upon my boring existence and tested my faith, health and patience the weeks leading up to our last visit. It led me to distance myself, figure out who and what are important in my life, and change my mind a million times. In the end, I think that it worked out well. I was able to heal; my soul feels full and content, my mind is clear and I feel rested. I want to cry, but out of joy; it was a release that I needed. I wandered around a city with an old friend (it only dawned on me today that he’s known me since I was fifteen- we’ve known each other five years. Time really does fly), walk around knowing I’m safe and far away from my troubles, felt the sun kiss my skin, and was able to tell you how I feel without a letter.
I now know where we stand, and it’s a bitter sweet piece of knowledge. The affection will always be there for both of us, and so will the hurt on my end- but it’s numbing, so don’t feel any guilt or regret. We all need to grow up and prioritize, and it’s what you needed to do at the time. Now time has caught up with the both of us, and while it scared me at first after our first meeting in five months, I’m getting used to it. I can separate (for the most part- I’m learning slowly when it comes to you) the emotion and the logic, and leaving you doesn’t hurt like it used to. Time, distance and life will all play a part in our development, and one day all of this will be another footnote in our strange relationship.
Looking back at my last post, I can say time is doing its thing; I was really emotional in the last one. I would say I’m embarrassed, but I won’t, because I think I conveyed what I was feeling pretty well. And I think I did a good job telling you how I felt when I saw you. I told you my frustrations, sadness, and fears, and you gave me better answers than I thought I would get from you. I still wish you could tell me what is going on; I’m stronger than what you and everyone else thinks I am. I wish you would open up. But that’s never going to happen, and unlike the girl who wrote the last post, I have a better hold of reality.
So to that, I wish you luck in all you’re dealing with- and regardless of what has, is or will happen, I’m always here. We got one more visit in the near future, and I wonder if this next one will be the last. The thought of it scares me a bit, but it’s not for a little while, and who knows where we’ll be in life when we see each other next. Maybe it will be for the best.
When I saw you recently, after I confessed all I was feeling, you told me if I wanted to leave for good- if it’s what I wanted- I should and you’d understand. But right now, in this moment I’ll have to say no. Selfishly, I don’t want to let go. Not yet anyways. I already stated that I feel like I’ve overstayed my welcome in your life, but our meetings and conversations are so sporadic, I don’t think or feel I’m an overwhelming presence anymore. Or will be. This is a weird medium, a strange medium, but like with everything else, time will fix these raw emotions- especially now that it’s all in the open. Maybe it is the start of friendship? The end of all this emotional baggage (mostly on my end), and the beginning of something that we can actually rely on. Or am I jumping the gun again? I guess I’m really elated that we made progress in the communication department.
Life’s getting better darling, even when it doesn’t feel like it. I don’t know about you, but I can feel it. And I hope you can feel it soon too. I miss you darling, and I’ll see you soon.
Best wishes,
Muffin.
In Lovely Grace 